Somehow i always used to convince myself that life is fun, and there are things to look forward to.

But now? I can't think of anything? What should i look forward to? I really don't see what's there that life can offer for me. 

I just don't care anymore. Leave me alone.

Being disappointed is an awful feeling you know. You can be disappointed in different ways, and sometimes you don't even have a reason, it's just that you suddenly get a thought that what if, maybe, he isn't even like you imagine him? What if, from the image I've perfectly bulit up in my head, nothing is true?

And still, tomorrow I'm going to believe it again, and continue living in my own dreamland. But now, in these very seconds, I feel really hopeless. Now, when I question everything, I'm not even sure the sun is going to rise tomorrow, or if the sky is really blue. Now everything and everyone feels strange, wrong, different.

Sure, it's possible that I'd be disappointed in him, really disappointed, to see that he's nothing like i wanted him to be, to see that he's not the boy i wanted. But maybe it would be easier, because I knew the truth. I wouldn't have to imagine him anymore. It would be easier to forget, wouldn't it?

But what if he turns out to be just like i imagined, but still, that doesn't change anything? It would be impossible to bear that the perfect boy is there, but he doesn't want me..

I decided to disappear for a while. It was hard, like it always is. I want to hurt people, is that bad? I mean, I want them to realise that I can disappear whenever I want, and I want them to realise that they may not see me, ever again. I want them to realise that I'm here, and I'd love to see who misses me, who starts looking for me. Am I bad?

It's just because I've never really felt important for anyone.

Oh and I really feel like watching the movie "Once".

Would you stay with me? Please? What should I do to make you stay? The thought that I'm never gonna see you again hurts me so much. How could I live without you, just... No. I can't. Without seeing your beautiful face, hearing your voice...

Why am I like this? So much different than others.. Things just don't work for me like they do for others. I simply cannot behave, act, talk, live like others. They make everything seem so easy. They make life look easy. When in fact it's not, and I just can't seem to be able to live anymore. Everything is hard. For me, at least. Love is impossible. Love doesn't come to me. 

Sometimes it seems that things are about to change. Then I'm insecure again. I don't know what to think. About him. About me, about us. Where are we heading? What's gonna happen now?

I read something very exciting today. Did you know, that in our brain we have so called "mirror neurons"? Everything we do, they "mirror" it to our brain. However, they can't tell the difference between an actual act, and imagination. If you, for example walk on the beath, or you just imagine walking on the beach, these mirror neurons tell the same information to your brain. That means, imagination is real to your brain. It's like everything happens in reality. I can't believe it. How awesome is that? And think how many possibilities that gives us... 

The date.